I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
