oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
