I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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