My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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