If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
