Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize