Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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