I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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