You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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