my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
