Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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