is your mom at the bar?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
