He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
