if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
