The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
