I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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