i just wanna soil my oats bro
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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