The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
NoShamevember. You game?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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