If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
