Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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