She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
