: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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