Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
