and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Shame is for Republicans.
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