Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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