Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
