i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
