i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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