she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
