Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
