the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
