You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
