Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
