guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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