i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
