saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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