If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
