I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
