this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
