i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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