he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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