Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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