Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
