Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
