I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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