she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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