I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
