this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She told me I should be a condom model.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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