Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
