I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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