Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I need a burrito and a hug.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
