i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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