He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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