I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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