i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
