im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We left the knife in your bed.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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