I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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