so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
